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Not the news

Satirical news.

Police unable to release identikit of missing man due to there being no recent photos of him

SATIRE | By Kalim Rajab (LIMPOPO) With millions of South Africans appearing every day on Zoom, Hangouts or any of the plethora of videoconferencing apps available, experts are baffled and frankly astonished that a man previously not able to function without the limelight appears to have disappeared. “This particular individual has not been spotted in …

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Ramaphosa mulls putting Patel in permanent lockdown under Level 3 regulation

SATIRE | By Kalim Rajab (PRETORIA) With a decision on a nationwide move to Level 3 imminent, President Cyril Ramaphosa is said to be seriously considering having his Minister of Trade and Industry Ebrahim Patel locked down, under new regulations to be gazetted. Citing evidence from new research which showed a clear correlation between future …

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Tito’s tweets now to come with state-approved subtitles – Presidency

SATIRE | By Kalim Rajab Magoebaskloof – Following a Cabinet directive, Finance Minister Tito Mboweni’s tweets will now be disseminated from his official account with government-approved subtitles running along the bottom. This, according to the Presidency, is to allow for greater transparency and be in the interests of alliance unity.  According to the Cabinet spokesperson, …

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Cele calls for testing to be extended to cover illicit kissing

Gauteng – Police Minister Bheki Cele has implored President Ramaphosa to fast track the development of Coronavirus detection kits to be able to detect whether people have recently been kissed. “I’ve always said that lockdown means lockdown. Social distancing must extend to the bedroom too, for maximum effectiveness. No kissing, nothing. Even for Level 3.” …

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Home Affairs to institute streamlined divorce proceedings to cope with influx post-lockdown

Pretoria – The Department of Home Affairs has gazetted new divorce regulations to streamline the process of legal separation, in anticipation of a flood of requests following the lockdown being partially lifted later this week. The new regulations will allow for divorce to be completed within the day of filing with the High Court, without …

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Zille’s Twitter account deemed non-essential and locked down ‘in the interests of public safety’

Cape Town – Deeming it a non-essential service even after the lockdown is partially lifted this week, Twitter has closed down the account of Former Western Cape Premier Helen Zille. “She may feel the need to tweet about the country,” a statement from the company read, “but by continuing to tweet – even from home …

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