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Zille’s Twitter account deemed non-essential and locked down ‘in the interests of public safety’

SATIRE | By Kalim Rajab

Cape Town – Deeming it a non-essential service even after the lockdown is partially lifted this week, Twitter has closed down the account of Former Western Cape Premier Helen Zille. “She may feel the need to tweet about the country,” a statement from the company read, “but by continuing to tweet – even from home – she’s unnecessarily endangering the lives of countless South Africans and contributing to nationwide misery.”

Twitter had come to its decision after the result of several scientific studies confirmed that the regular expelling of large amounts of hot air “sent with venom” had the ability to reach considerable numbers of unsuspecting people, which could increase the spread of the coronavirus amongst all her followers. “And if those followers retweeted the contaminated messages, then what you’ve got is a viral virus.”

Worried about the increase in free time Zille would now have after her Twitter lockdown, the Southern African Clothing and Textile Workers Union (SACTWU) urged Zille not to spend it repurposing her old Eastern Cape doeks into a fashion line of Xhosa-inspired face masks, after unconfirmed reports claimed her contemplating launching the fashion line for sale in the Southern Suburbs. – THE LOCKDOWN REPORT